Just Be a Vampire Please!
by MyFantasyDreams
Summary: Emmet is bored with life after Breaking Dawn, he leaves Forks to visit and humorously torment without actually killing a Vampire Slayer in London, England.


Disclaimer – I own nothing, all recognisable characters, settings etc. belong to the wonderful Stephanie Meyer

A/N – This idea was just to good to pass up … my revision was abandoned and a few hours later we have this … whether it was worth the time is yet to be established ! … Happy Reading xxx

**The Beginning**** and Uninvited Entrances**

It is early winter, still slightly warm from autumn but with a biting north wind. It's nearly nine in the evening and there is a knock on the door of a small, grubby house in the suburbs of London, UK

"Good evening Mr. SangHelvin, sorry for disturbing you so late, didn't want to be out in the sun you see; I'm allergic to it, in a manner of speaking." The voice is luxurious, rich and deep.

A pair of jet black, bushy eyebrows shoot upwards nearly meeting a receding hair line, realisation dawns. Mr. SangHelvin stands speechless on his threshold, eyes suspiciously searching the handsome face of the strangely dressed young man stood on the door step grinning mischievously.

"Yes, I thought you'd understand"

The stranger darts over the threshold, shutting the door quietly behind him.

Fourteen hours earlier, in a large lone house, surrounded by forest on the outskirts of Forks, Washington, USA

"Emmett." Alice warned "Don't do this, it's not funny. Emmett, think of the danger, think of our family. EMMETT! Please!"

Emmett ignored her knowing there is no real danger, knowing Alice knew this too. He glanced at the clock to check he was running on time. Grabbing a rucksack from under the luxurious bed he shared with Rosalie he picked quickly through the wardrobe fishing out items of clothing suitable for his mission. Alice darted around the room after Emmett, flitting about like an anxious wild cat. Emmett notes how his throat tightens at this thought and decides to hunt on the way.

"Alice, you know that there is no danger, it's just a little bit of entertainment! Come with me if it bothers you that much. Surely with your foresight you already know you won't stop me. Can you pass those boots please? No, the black ones, no the others. Yes. Thankyou. Now I'll be gone for ab…"

"About a week. Yes, Emmett I know, actually you'll be gone 6 days give or take a morning or night, and that's including travelling time. Rosalie will kill me. No, not really but she wont be happy, neither will Carlisle. Edward, Bella and Jasper will find it utterly amusing and Esme will worry."

Emmett groaned, though in all honesty he expected to be guilt tripped, that's why he had chosen to leave while everyone else was out hunting. Nearly everyone at least.

He saw it as just a bit of fun and in his opinion life had slowed down far too much since the Volturi threat. It was, Emmett had decided, time for some entertainment and he was certain Nessie, Jacob and Seth would join Edward, Bella and Jasper in enjoying hearing about the 'mission'.

Holding her by the shoulders Emmet assured Alice he would be fine, it would be fun and he would return soon.

"Take care Em, please be careful"

Emmett slung the rucksack easily over his shoulder and bolted for the door, ready for a bit of fun.

"Ok sis, I promise. Tell the others where I am. Bye!"

"You can't do THAT! It's not possible. You. You're a..."

Mr. SangHelvin starts; his eyes boggle out of his forty-something year old face, mouth wide open. His skin takes on a sickly green pallor as he takes in the young mans clothing, the long, knee length black coat, the heavy soled, heavily buckled, knee high black leather boots, the ripped black jeans and black t-shirt just visible under the coat. A perfect model of a modern …

"A vampire, Mr. SangHelvin?" Emmett suggests helpfully, enjoying the effect of his fancy dress clothing "Yes I am. May I enquire as to what your point is exactly?"

"Vampires can't cross a threshold uninvited. It's one of the first things I was ever taught at the NCVS. It's the first rule of vampirism according to 's 'How to kill Vampires', the oldest record of slayery ever discovered."

Emmett grins, contemplates his answer and grins some more.

"Oh. I didn't realise, I'm so very sorry. May I ask, want is NCVS and who is ?"

Emmett relishes Mr. SangHelvin's reaction; he can almost hear Edward and Jasper roaring with laughter at home as Alice explains what was happening.

As it turns out, after nearly an hour of bemused explanations, the NCVS is the National College of Vampire Slayers, where a select few dim witted humans try to learn how to slay vampires, and this VanHelsing character was supposedly the most feared of all slayers who's very name made vampires tremble with fear. Emmet trembles all right. His sniggers subside, and he relaxes only to burst out a bark of laughter causing poor Mr. SangHelvin to jump with fright.

"Mr. SangHelvin ... may I call you Bob? Yes. Good. The reason I came here" Emmet beams, causing the man to clutch at the back of the armchair he is stood behind. The fright which increases to panic as he realises how far into the house they have moved, pauses for a second while Peter SangHelvin realises that "Bob" is not his name, the pause passes and his name becomes irrelevant as it is clear this is what he will now be called by this rule breaking vsmpire.

Peter 'Bob' SangHelvin, lets just call him Bob for now since that is what Emmet is doing, glances through the doorless doorway to the kitchen, then at the sofa where Emmet is now lounged. Bob trys to decide how quickest to reach his stake collection and whether or not to grab the garlic out of the fridge.

Emmet notices the glances and decides Bob is offering a cup of tea. He declines politely not completely understanding the confusion on Bob's face

"The reason I came here" Emmett repeats. "Is that I wish to discover how effective your slaying methods are. Please sit." Emmet instructs.

Bob astounded at being told what to do in his own house sits opposite Emmet without making a conscious decision to do so. He immediately regrets this but stays put suddenly curious at the vampire's quest. Bob had come to the mental agreement that this was most definitely a vampire several minutes before; even though a small part of his mind was still yelling that vampires couldn't cross thresh holds, the dress sense and the allergy to the sun spoke volumes. Emmet speaks again unfazed by the slayers lack of answers.

"Allow me to be your guinea pig so to speak. I shall be staying for about four days. You may show me to my room now, not that I'll be sleeping of course" It suddenly occurs to Bob that these last few sentences had not been questions, or askings of permissions. They had been statements. Clearly this vampire didn't expect to be turned down. Bob thinks for a few seconds before choosing to 'keep' the vampire, the chance to experiment on a willing participant could improve his slaying techniques massively, a small smile creeps into his mouth.

Emmet waits patiently for the man to move, he notes the smile growing on the mans lips and already knows that his 'mission' is going perfectly to plan. In a matter of seconds Bob will ask…

Bob eyes flick up to meet the vampires.

"Of course," the slayer grins revealing several teeth, the rest it seems have been removed, purposely or not is beside the matter "of course you must stay. Why, I'd be delighted to offer you the basement for the duration of your visit. Might I just ask, it seems that some of our slayer myths about vampires are inaccurate, is there anything else you can do that you should not be able to?"

Emmet smirks, covering it up quickly as a curious smile.

"No, I don't think so," He starts gazing innocently at the slayer "But I haven't been a vampire very long, so I suppose I wouldn't know. I haven't gone out in sunlight for fear of it killing me, nor have I trying driving stakes through my heart. I've avoided churches and garlic. Basically anything I can remember of the stories I heard when I was human that might hurt me now, I avoid"

The lies come easily to Emmet, he has been practicing this for weeks, the innocence was more difficult but it seemed that Bob was lapping up the speech happily enough.

Emmet fishes a slip of paper out of his pocket and hands it to the slayer careful to let their hands brush. Bob shudders at the cold, hard smoothness of the vampire's skin; he takes the paper and scans it. It is a list. It is written in an incredibly neat, but slightly childish hand. To Edward or indeed any other well educated person it would be clear the childishness was utterly intended. The list says this:

_How to kill a Vamp__ and other problems_

_Stake through the heart (silver or wooden)_

_Garlic_

_Crucifix_

_Sunlight_

_Scattering seeds/salt—vamp becomes obsessed with counting grains (gets caught in sun)_

_Cut off head _

_Cremation/fire_

_Can't enter house unless invited_

_Can't cross running water _

_No reflection_

"It's a list," Emmet states obviously "It's everything I could remember about vampires. I wrote them down so I didn't forget. This is everything I have avoided since I became like this and a few other things that don't actually kill me, just inconveniences"

Bob stands up plan ready formulated in his mind, exactly as Emmet had made sure to achieve when he planned his 'mission'.

"Right then," Bob says, voice shaking slightly with excitement "I'll show you to the basement, don't hesitate to shout if you need anything, I'll start experimenting tomorrow. Here we are now. I hope this will suit you"

Emmet enters the dark basement smiling. The perfect hideout for a humans 'ideal' vampire: dark, dank, dingy and that's just the D's Emmet thinks happily. His mission is going perfectly. Bob leaves muttering to himself, under the assumption the vampire can't hear him. Emmet smiles again.

"This will be fun ladies and gentlemen" he mutters, knowing Alice will be telling his story to the family round about now.

Emmet sits on a cardboard box, opens his rucksack and takes out a portable gaming device which is not due for release outside of Japan for another 6 months. He finds his favorite game, inserts the miniscule disc into the device and settles down for the night.

Many Thousands of miles away laughter echoes from within a large secluded house on the outskirts of a town named Forks. Alice has just finished telling Emmet's story to her family and friends.

Edward, Jacob and Seth roar with laughter at the translation of Bob SangHelvin's muttering as he leaves Emmet alone for the night. Edward knows his brother well, he knows Emmet is capable of looking after himself and confident of Emmet's return Edward allows himself to indulge in his kin's amusing antics.

Renesmee and Bella soon join Alice and Jasper as the laughter becomes more infectious. Each of them know Emmets strengths and are happy to accept Emmets gift of entertainment. They understand Emmets need for some adventure and accept that this is relatively safe in comparison to facing the Volturi.

Even Carlisle and Esme manage a short chuckle each. Esme appreciates the humor but still worries for Emmets safety although she knows there is little harm this slayer could cause, the things he plans are of little danger to Emmet for he time being. Carlisle accepts that Emmet makes his own choices and is willing to go along with them providing there is no extreme danger involved.

Only Rosalie openly rejects Emmets attempt at entertainment. She is furious. She wants to go to Emmet immediately; it is only the fact that in doing so she could alert the slayer to the rest of her family that stops her. She is comforted slightly be the knowledge she could get to him in well under 12 hours of she needed to but all the same, she refuses to find it funny even though she would love to laugh along with the others. She is determined not to allow herself to enjoy this.

"It only encourages him" she hisses under her breath.

Regardless of their reaction, or part in the story, every person gathered in the large sitting room of the Cullen's house, or, somewhere within the small grubby house on the suburbs of London, is waiting excitedly for the next day's activities.

A/N – Well there you go … constructive criticism much welcomed. Please Review

xxx


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